I’ve still not heard anything so I was going to write to Gavin again. Then I thought, this one way street is turning into Stan by Eminem.
So I’ve reimagined Stan.
No longer a psychotic fan writing to his idol, it’s an exhausted Headteacher writing to the Education Secretary in a dystopian pandemic. But with the same level of despair as the original protagonist.
And it’s now called Gav.
Sing along to Dido’s intro…
My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
Even though my window’s open (always)
I just can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be grey
Got your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it’s pretty bad
It’s pretty bad
Dear Gav, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’
I left my ‘Back to School’ plan with my email at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got ’em
There probably was a problem at the post office or DfE or somethin’
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot ’em
I tweeted you too. Maybe you’re old fashioned.
But anyways, sack it, what’s been up? Man, how’s your department?
My school’s insane too, we’re just trying to not burn out
If I have a day off, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m gonna close my eyes and close my own bubble too. And Breathe.
I read about your troubles too I’m sorry
I know you’ve had some tricky stuff goin’ on
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I’m not your biggest fan
The vouchers, exams and all that algorithm stuff. Man that was crazy. What you thinkin of Gav?
The laptops you promised and took away. That guidance you write, it’s always too late.
The distancing: 2 metres, 1 metre plus. Just ain’t no decidin
School’s safe. School’s not safe.
Stay open. Schools broken. Who cares now?
No masks? No worries. But come on now Gav, we are only human.
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
We need to chat, the pressure’s crazy but I don’t want to leave.
This is Steve
My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
Even though my window’s open (it’s cold now)
I just can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be grey
Got your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it’s pretty bad
It’s pretty bad
Dear Steve, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your school’s insane now, has this Covid finally reached you?
Look, I’m really flattered you would write to me so often
And here’s a new photo for your office
I took it with my main man, Nick
I’m sorry I didn’t see your Back to School plan, I must’ve missed it
Don’t think I did that intentionally just to diss you
But what’s this you said about you like to wear masks in primary too?
I say that stuff just for secondary, come on, how freaked by the virus are you?
You got some issues Steve, I think you need some downtime
To help you from bouncing off the walls when you despair some
And what’s this stuff about us meant to send you laptops? You wrote to your MP too?
That type of shouting will make me not want to help you
I really think you and your school need to just deal with it
Or maybe you just need to think of me better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before your blood pressure gets too high, I think that you’ll be doin’ just fine
If you relax a little, I’m sorry I frustrate you but Steve
Why are you so mad with me? Try to understand, that I do want you and your kind
I just don’t want you to have your own mind
I seen this one school on the news a couple weeks ago that left me chomping at the bit
Some Head was too outspoken and led his school as he saw fit
And he criticised the DfE, and cared for pupils just like his own kids.
And his office was filled with letters, but they didn’t say who they were to
Come to think about, his name was, it was you.
Damn!
@75ThunderRoad
School Tales of the Unexpected 